All The Things I Hate (A letter to my ugly soon-to-be-soldier
ex)
…OOH YEAH TEENAGE
ANGST!!!
I hate that you asked me to write
you a goodbye letter. I find that very insulting—it’s as if you didn’t know me at all. Of course I've already made
you one (thousand… kidding) farewell notes. That’s what I do. That’s what I've
been doing. That’s our dynamic: I’m the Noah who writes infinite cheesy bacon
letters and you’re the Allie who always seems to find some sort of excuse to
not respond. (Which reminds me of the time I forced you to watch The Notebook
and I cried like I was in a funeral and your eyes remained so dry because you
are a soul-less douchebag) I hate how I always loved you more. But it’s okay. I
like it that way.
I also hate how in a few hours, I’m gonna be driven to your
place for the last time. I hate how I haven’t been to your place and you haven’t
been to mine since both screwed up. I hate how my parents want to skin you
alive just because you fell out of love. I am a little prick and you had every
right. I hate how I was an overacting gremlin and how my parents would use that
against me every single time I’d tell them I’m with you. I hate that I’m gonna
be picking your cat up and taking care of it for two years. I feel like Britney
Spears and you’re K-Fed, both screwed up but still fighting for child custody.
It’s weird. I hate it. I hate it so much. I remember when I surprised you with the
sibling cats we shared. I love how you stayed for an extra seven months after
that day I found out you were leaving, gave you a cat and threw a psycho fit in my house. I hate that
your extended stay came with an expiration date. I hate how that expiration date is today.
I hate how you might forget me. It scares me. I don’t care
if you have ten million girlfriends in Korea, just make sure she doesn’t give
you a cat. If she even makes the slightest attempt, walk away and leave. Cats
are my thing. Catlove is our thing. Please don’t do any of our creepy sketchy
activities with her. You can love as many girls as much as you want, but keep
our own things sacred and locked up in a treasure box of good memories, please
I beg. Ross Geller married thrice, but all of them were different. There was
the lesbian, the Rachel and the Emily. All of them were special.
…but not as special as Rachel. May I be Rachel Greene?
I hate that you’d have to leave during moratorium week. I
hate how my Spanish professor asked me to describe my best friend during orals,
and that of all my best friends, I thought of you. I hate how your leaving
still manages to penetrate my brain during the most crucial exams. I hate how I
cannot concentrate with any of my acads because I’m either spending my last
hours with you or just here at home smoking my worries away. I have so much
worries. What if you die? What if Py wasn’t just being an asshole when he said
that Korean soldiers play baseball with grenades? What if Korean Paul wasn’t just
overreacting when he said you could end up stepping on a minefield? If you die,
I will lose my best friend. If you die, Inigo will lose his only kuya. (I hate
how I’m not allowed to read your palanca) If you die, Pupu will have nothing to
look forward to. Might as well turn her into Siopao. Remember that
ThoughtCatalog article I linked you? I’m not sure, I think it’s called “Love is
Dead” and you said it reminded you of us. Do you remember how the guy died in
the end after they broke up and lived far away from each other? What if that IS
the story of us? Oh, no, see, I’m being an overacting gremlin again.
I hate how people think that if I really were over you, I’d
have no right to be depressed over your whole army getaway. They don’t
understand that before everything, we were really really really really great
friends. I hate how our amazing connection (crazily) raised my standards for
both friendships and relationships. You set a bar waaaay too high for anyone to
rise above, or even to just simply reach. I don’t want you to get in the way of
my new relationship. I don’t want to get in the way of your new relationship. I
don’t want you to have a new relationship. I hate how I no longer want you BUT
I STILL HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY.
I HATE HOW YOU’RE LEAVING IN A FEW HOURS AND I HATE HOW
THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. I hate how I tried so hard to make you stay.
I hate how I tried everything. I hate how I met you, I hate how our friendship started, I hate how we fell in
love, I hate how we fell out of love, I hate how you have to leave. I hate how
I won’t see you for two years. I hate how I can never be sure if you’re dead or
alive.
I hate how this is
goodbye.
But I have no choice.
It really is.
So, good bye.
…Oh wait did I mention… I HATE HOW YOU’RE A MANWHORE.
(Manhur hhuhuhu byebye)
